San Miguel!

Meghan O'Malley and Rodrigo Garcia de la Torre Astudillo (real name), two of Anne's best friends from college got married in San Miguel de Allende on May 22nd. We left the Whale's Vagina on Thursday night, flying to Los Angeles and then on to Mexico City. Anne and I had a three hour layover in L.A. and grabbed some "dinner" in an establishment called "The Northend Bar & Grille" that seemed to double as a discothèque complete with awful Techno music and really shitty bartenders. I considered ordering a couple Patron shots and a Stoli Razz Mango Mojito just to make it interesting but just gobbled up my food and downed a Heineken instead before we sat down at the gate. Shortly before the flight started boarding, Anne got called on the loudspeaker. When we looked over, two Homeland Security agents were standing next to the desk with their hands on their firearms. We both went up to the desk where they scanned her passport and then said thank you and we sat down. There was no explanation as to why she called up but I'm starting to grapple with the possibility that my girlfriend is a terrorist or a drug smuggler.

Mexican Flight # 137 landed in Mexico city at 5:15 am and Anne made it through customs without a problem. We got to the Primero Plus ticket counter just before 6 am and bought our tickets for the first legal to Queretaro. San Miguel sits approximately 150 miles northwest of Mexico City and in order to get to San Miguel we had to transfer to another bus in Queretaro before heading to San Miguel. I was a bit nervous about riding on a bus for four hours through the Mexican countryside but the bus from the airport to Queretaro was incredible. I expected the ride would be on a makeshift school bus carrying chickens and goats but by 6:15, we were in our seats which were truly first class. The seats reclined almost horizontally and had clutch leg rests that helped us fall asleep immediately. Anne was fast asleep as soon as we left the airport and after a few minutes, I was passed out as well. The two of us slept for the entire first leg to Queretaro waking up as we pulled into the bus station. Our tickets to San Miguel were about $24 dollars and the woman behind the ticket counter spoke a little English. Fortunately, my 9th grade Spanish was somewhat understandable to her and we got our tickets easily. Unfortunately, she didn't tell us where our bus left from and after asking a few people, we found out it was on the other side of the station. With 5 minutes until our bus left, we ran around the station finding our bus just as the doors were beginning to close. The bus stations wasn't particularly terrible, but I can think of a ton of things I'd rather have done than sit in a bus station deep in the heart of Mexico for another hour. Safely on the bus, we had only one hour to San Miguel where hopefully we could find our hotel and i could go potty, grown up style.

The bus rolled through the countryside that was fairly flat with large mountains far off on the horizon. After passing an Office Max (really, in Mexico?) across the street from the local jail, we got up and around a hill and began our descent into San Miguel. The beautiful church right in the middle of the town was unmistakable from the top of the hill. Our bus got to the station in San Miguel and after negotiating with the taxi to take us to our hotel "Hacienda de las Flores" for $3.50 we drove into the town. There was some sort of Good Friday parade that blocked they typical route into town so we bounced around a few markets before heading up the trademark cobblestone streets of San Miguel. Before I knew it, we were right in front of our hotel. A greater sense of excitement came over me than those experienced just a few minutes before upon catching the first glimpse of the town and when our flight touched down in Mexico City. It didn't feel like we were here for a wedding but rather on a journey, experiencing a part of the world very few get to see. Generally, people head for the beaches along the coast of Mexico, but it was immediately apparent that we were doing vastly different and exhilarating. We dropped our bags in the lobby at 11:30 am and grabbed a quick bite to eat in the dining room. 86 pesos ($7.50) got us a cup of orange juice, fresh fruit, bread and eggs right next to our room!

By that point, our bags were in our room and we plopped down for a quick nap. Apparently I slept for about 2 hours and Anne had a tremendously difficult time getting me to wake up. Around 2 pm as I aroused from my slumber in grizzly bear fashion, Anne's friend Tim Fetch, who was staying at the same hotel, blew past our door. Earlier I asked Anne what Tim looked like and she said "short skinny white dude who sails. Sure enough, even though I only caught a quick glimpse through the gap in the curtain but I was certain I had just seen Tim Fetch. Tim, accompanied by his girlfriend Tara, Anne and myself walked down to the Jardn "Garden" area at the center of town adjacent to "La Parroquia de San Miguel Arcangel" church San Miguel is known for. We walked down the hill and met up with a bunch of the rest of the crew in town for the wedding at their hotel before walking back up the hill to find a local watering hole within eyesight of another good friday "parade." Rodrigo tried to convince us that the parade would be very exciting and good natured but we all should have known better...after all, they are celebrating the death of Jesus. In true Gringo fashion (well, they were all Gringo's, I knew I was safe) we got drunk and made way too much noise and several people looked into the restaurant in disgust. In our defense, the Pacifico's were $20 pesos ($2) and they had 9% more beer in the bottle so of course we were going to get hammered. After we were all fed on delicious fried Mexican food and drunk, we left the restaurant and headed back to the hotel to get ready for a night of heavy drinking. Anne's best friend Jessica was staying in the room next door to ours so while Anne and Jess primped and properred, Steve, Jess' boyfriend, and I went on a beer run and then headed up to the roof of our hotel and watched the sun set over the mountains on the horizon. The sunset was quite beautiful cascading orange and red hues across the stucco buildings and the church in the center of San Miguel.

After the girls finally got ready, we met up with the rest of the group and then grabbed dinner at the Don Quixote BBQ restaurant down the hill from our hotel. After everybody filled up, we threw a little party just outside the restaurant as roughly 30 people tried to figure out what bar to go to. Mass chaos ensued culminating in myself, and this guy Dylan who became my best buddy for the weekend, pretending to ride an ATV while everyone else screamed at the top of their lungs. For example:

The debauchery continued as we decided to hit up this bar called "Mama Mia's." The door man wanted to charge a group of 30 people $15US to get into the bar and we told him to go blow himself. After negotiating down to $7 for the whole group, we got in and tore it up. The rest of the night was sort of a blur, there was a latin/blues/hip hop/whatever cover band that played downstairs. I remember not being able to get drinks fast enough so we decided to head to the rooftop bar and crush cervezas for a bit. A few beers later we called it a night and headed back to the hacienda.

Waking up Saturday morning with a bad hangover, Anne, Jess, Steve, Tim, Tara and myself grabbed breakfast at the hotel before we went out and shopped a little bit. Later in the afternoon, we grabbed a great lunch before splitting up to get ready for the wedding. I put myself on a mission to discover a rumored sports bar I had been researching since Anne booked the trip for our anniversary. The sports bar had the NCAA tournament on a big flat screen the beers were $2 and it doubled as an Argentinian Steak House. I didn't have a bunch of free time because I had to get dressed for the wedding but I would be back, no question. After getting dressed, we hopped up on the roof of the hotel to catch a glimpse of the bull fight that was taking place next door. Earlier in the day, we picked up a few fliers inviting us to the bull fight. All of us really wanted to check out the bullfight but the wedding started at 5 and it was imperative that we got there on time.

After trying to find the hacienda on foot, we hopped in the back of a taxi/pick-up truck which took us directly to the wedding site. Rodrigo told us that when we walked into the door, we'd have to take a shot of Tequila from a donkey named Paco, and sure enough, Paco was waiting for us just inside the front door with a satchel of shot glasses and a bottle of Tequila. His compadre/ handler poured the shots as we threw back a couple in a row. Paco, clearly agitated by the commotion and picture snapping proceeded to place his ass in our direction, and drop a nice deuce right in the middle of the foyer. Everybody scattered and Paco got his wish. The mansion where the wedding was held was one of the more beautiful houses I’ve seen in quite some time. The ceremony itself was held down in a beautiful courtyard at the edge of the property that doubled as our badminton and volleyball court the next day. The ceremony was pretty short getting everyone to the booze right around 6 pm. Kicking things off with Champagne, Margaritas and a 10 piece Mariachi band who brought down the house. Soon enough, Rodrigo’s mom was doing a solo and my sobriety vaporized. It wasn’t much later than 8:00 when I realized it was time to slow it done if I intended to make it to the piñata

Dylan, one of Anne’s cohorts from College of Charleston, introduced me to “Muppets,” a type of shot where you pour the alcohol (tequila) into a tall shot glass, mix it with sprite or whatever is handy and then put a towel over the shot and bang the shots down on the table three times before throwin them back. Within minutes a group of about 6 people were throwing back consecutive rounds of Muppets, screaming UNO, DOS, TRES! These type of things are so much more badass when done in Spanish. By this time, the third band had started playing but we quickly took over and started an impromptu karaoke session on the dance floor. My plan to remain “in control” was no more, a fact confirmed during the limbo line and the emergence of long balloons I kept trying to mold into a gun without breaking. The initial success would prove to be quite aggravating to Anne in a few minutes because after breaking the first gun, I tried repeatedly to make another one, going through about 6 balloons before finally created a poor replica of my initial triumph. Temporarily satisfied, we went to pound more Muppets and Johnny Walker w/ sodas, dancing the night away. God knows how many more hours passed before the piñata was brought out and tied to a tree. I got VERY excited and demanded first licks even though the piñata was a gift for Megan and Rodrigo. I managed to hit the piñata a couple times right off the bat and I guess it was too easy so the assembled group threw it further into the air and in varying directions. For some reason, I quickly reached out my left hand, feeling for the piñata before grabbing hold, and whacking the shit out of it twice nearly breaking the head off. In hindsight this was pretty selfish of me and I sort of wish I didn’t get so excited about the piñata because it was a gift. (The previous sentence is a complete fabrication, it was fucking awesome…so sorry Megan and Rodrigo, I owe you a piñata). The festivities continued throughout the night culminating in a return of the Mariachi band who paraded through the party blasting their instruments as we all cheered and danced along.

A beautiful swimming pool sat in the middle of the of the house where the party was held and after all the booze was gone, everybody disregarded their sensibilities and jumped in whether you had the appropriate attire or not. There’s something about getting drunk that makes it socially acceptable for people to strip down to boxers, bra’s and thongs and upon closer inspection, I’m ok with that. Nothing says “We had a great time” like pool parties in your under garments. At 3:30, we had to call it quits and head back to the hotel. Anne and I walked a couple blocks before finding a cab and after a brief negotiation that went something like “20 Pesos? No. 30 Pesos? No. 40 pesos? Si. Ok!

The next morning we woke up with a very bad hangover (shocking) and went into the Jardin area to find breakfast. We stumbled into the “Café San Francisco” and had a great greasy breakfast. Nothing was really open at that time on Easter Sunday, but Anne and I had a great lazy meal watching a few people wander in the park and one woman wield a broom out of small sticks and rope tied to a large piece of wood. She was part of the “official” town sanitation team that did a remarkable job keeping San Miguel clean. When we got back to the hotel, we met up with Tim & Tara and walked back down the hill into the main area and did some shopping while they ate breakfast. It turned out that Meghan and Rodrigo still had the house until 6 o’clock and the plan was for everyone to meet up at the house for lunch and more fun by the pool. Anne and I stumbled into a bunch of awesome shops buying a few small items as we wandered down Canal Street. All of a sudden out of nowhere we heard this huge explosion behind us near the Jardin area. Our heads snapped around and could only see white smoke rising and the sound of cheering. We hustled back to the square only to see a huge crowd assembled looking up at a dozen effigies of Judas and his cohorts. We got back to the circle just as another effigy exploded, sending the crowd into a heightened frenzy. We joined Tim & Tara back in the Cafe and watched the rest of the show. With each explosion, little kids and some adults would run in and grab the strewn body parts from the debris to take home. On the 10th or 11th explosion, I jumped like an elephant had just seen a mouse run by prompting a deserved mocking from Anne, Tara and Tim.

With the show over, Tara and Anne kept Tim and I in tow as they bounced from shop to shop buying numerous handbags, trinkets, place mats, serving spoons etc. You name it, they probably bought it. We ended up back at the house where the party was held and finally relaxed. We plowed through mini Coronas and a couple people hopped back in the pool while myself and a few others played badminton in the same area where the wedding ceremony took place. A few close matches took place before we all agreed that crushing beers was more important. A couple guys found a tv in the library that had a TV and watched a few NCAA games before we all had to check out and get ready for dinner. The whole group met up at one of the hotels and 18 of us headed to the Argentinian steak house for a non Mexican dinner. Anne and Tara had consumed roughly 20,000 lbs. of tortilla chips and all of us just wanted a full meal without chips and salsa. The steaks were amazing! I had an 18 oz top sirloin with mashed potatoes and vegetables for $18 US. I thought about getting a 18 oz. Fillet for $25 but thought that would be a bit much, even for a fat ass like myself. Our stomachs full and our thirst quenched, we headed back to the same hotel where we met up earlier to say goodbye to everyone. It was sad that our trip was winding down, but Anne and I had an amazing time, and her College of Charleston friends definitely know how to have a good time.

We were up early the next morning and back on the bus from San Miguel to Queretaro, changed to the luxury bus that took us to the airport in Mexico city. Neither of us slept on that bus ride still beaming from such a fantastic trip. We got to the airport and through security without any major issues. Anne clearly presented no terrorism threat to the Mexican government and after a decent wait at the gate, we were on the plane to Cabo San Lucas which eventually would take us home. Even though we did not have to change planes in Cabo, we were forced to get off and go through Customs again and wait in the terminal before boarding the exact same plane. Let's just say the security in Cabo is not exactly top notch. They had folding tables where the security officers inspected your bag. Written in permanent marker on the side of the table were the words "Real Security." Now, maybe I'm crazy, or I drank some of the water down there and temporarily lost my mind but writing "Real Security" on a plastic folding table does not convey safety and security at all! Once we got on the plane, the flight attendant made her safety spiel and announced that our cruising altitude for the flight would be 200,000 feet. I'm no pilot but I think 200,000 feet is actually flying in space and Airbus didn't design their A-3oo for re-entry into the earth's atmosphere. Somehow, some way, we made it back to San Diego safely and put a phenomenal vacation/ wedding in the books. I definitely recommend making a trip to San Miguel de Allende at some point in the near future. I know it's not the easiest place to get to, but well worth the trip! You really get the feeling of discovering a Mexican town that still had to be discovered. Vamanos!